The Onion Essay Argumentative Essay On Smoking
"Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations.
Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?
If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best f***ing razor that ever existed. We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard.
We got here by taking chances.""You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending.
“I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing.
Frankly, He’s kind of a dick.""I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers...
"' I was really hoping to meet some ladies at Dragon Con for a little of the old horizontal bop,' said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months.""Season's greetings from your old friend Santa!My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve!"If he had been driving just 5 mph faster, or if his parents hadn't had the influence to keep the matter out of court and the endless financial resources to lease a car of the exact same make and model to prevent him from having to face even the relatively trivial humiliation of being taunted by his peers for driving a slightly less expensive vehicle—my God, who knows what could have happened? "He could have died or, worse, been held accountable for his actions.""Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954."Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top.""BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy."According to the report, sections of the documents — "almost invariably the most crucial passages" — are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency's inception in 1947."According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much.""I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me," said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. I haven't been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy.""Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.
Few writers do satire better than those at The Onion.